Grab Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair.

In case you missed Part One of my odyssey into surfing, read this first.

So it began simply enough. Big Mike ran us through the basics. This consisted of :

Location, Location, Location

Positioning yourself, just like anything in life, is key in surfing. Too far down the board and you’re unbalanced. Too far forward on the board and you’re unbalanced. The difference is only in how you wanna kiss the ocean on your way down. Belly flop or ass first. Up to you but personally, I’d rather not fall.

Stroke It, Baby, Yeah!

He showed us the two different ways to paddle and how to turn. The secret to successful padding and turning? It’s all about cupping your hands, yo.

…ehehehe….he said “cupping”. I swear I’m mature. No, really.

Do Like Ludacris Says And Stand Up

This is actually a 3 step move. Apparently your chest is your balance point when you’re prone on your board. Therefore, you wanna execute this weird bunny hop forward thing so that your knees are aligned with your hands…which are now holding on to the rails (<- the sides) of your board for dear life

That's step one.

After you're done freaking out, you want to raise yourself up to one knee with that foot sticking out a few inches in front of your hands. You're also up on your toes with your back foot….like how those sprinters position their feet in those starting block thingies.

Once you've done this, it's just a matter of you standing up and turning so that you're leading hip (whichever hip is the front one) is pointing in the same direction as the nose of the board.

Key points Big Mike wanted me to remember :

– keep my knees bent when standing. Locking them is no good.

– wherever my eyes are looking at is where I'll be heading. He kept screaming at me to look at the boys on the beach. More on this later.

– if I see some insane surfer barreling down towards me, I'm supposed to scramble in the opposite direction and to duck underwater because the board (in theory) will float on water as I'm praying underneath that the fin of the board won't make me see stars. Or something like that. I was too busy hyperventilating at this point to remember everything. No worries because he was right there with me during my whole lesson.

Sounds simple enough, right? That's what my cocky ass thought. And so we begin.


Yeah, I was smiling too before I got in the water.

He had us drag our boards into the water. In case you’ve never handled a board (like moi), lemme tell you something. Those f**king things are heavy, yo!! Never fear. My imaginary upper body muscles and I had it under control. I just dragged the whole damn thing into the ocean. Problem solved.

Getting on the board took a little maneuvering. Why? Easy. Ever tried to hop on a hard plank in moving water? That’s hard enough especially when you’re a virgin. Add in the bonus hassles of not planning ahead and wearing a f**king bikini and you’ll see why I ran into problems immediately.

Before I continue on with my adventures in surfing (yes, I’m breaking this up into 3 pieces. I didn’t realize how long it would take to talk about my surfing lesson), I’m going to say I haven’t gotten this much action since…I can’t think that far back.

What do I mean?

My ass got spanked by my board and by the ocean whenever I fell in.

The ocean was like on a mission to yank my bikini top around so that I’d flash everyone within eyesight range. This meant I spent an unholy amount of time adjusting myself because I don’t feel like giving everyone and their mothers (literally) and eye full of the girls, know what I mean?

Hopping on the board means I was wrestling with my bikini bottom against the waxed board so that I wouldn’t be mooning everyone behind me. Again, I spent an unholy amount of time trying to ensure I was decently covered.

And then I faced the waves of Waikiki.

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  1. […] Is Mine!! Posted in Uncategorized by missbonnified on November 6, 2009 Part One and Part Two in case you didn’t read […]



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