B-52 Bombers In Honolulu

I love so many things about being back in my paradise home. The kick ass weather, the true blue skies, the FOOD, the sun that refuses to tan me and the ample eye candy running around known as Local Boys. But there was a menace I had forgotten about….and I came face to face with it the other night.

No, this menace was not known as Crappy Tequila.

It was the cockroach.

I’m not talking about the mini ones that breed like there’s no tomorrow and harder than a toxic ex-boyfriend to get rid of. I’m not even talking about the ones the size of my thumb. Those monsters have been rumored to carry small children off into the night and to rearrange your furniture when you’re sleeping. They’re also responsible for eating the meticulous homework you SLAVED over but now, oops, can’t turn in. Because the cockroach ate it.

No no, friends. I’m talking about the FLYING cockroach.

I like to call these the B-52 bombers. They’re also fearless.

Most bugs, cockroach or not, will run away when they spot a human with they’re gross and creepy multi-faceted eyeballs. Well, they’ll either run or they’ll freeze in place and THEN run once you start to move towards them with the Kleenex Of Doom to squash them with.

But these huge, flying cockroaches? Nope. They just chill out and watch you. I really think they consider us a show. I mean, think about it.

Mia’s roommate, Desire, let out this strangled scream the other night, Naturally, Mia and I go running to see what’s wrong. We find her backed up into a corner and she’s actually cowering in fear. Mia, having lived with her for a while, knows what’s wrong and immediately starts looking for the cockroach. It’s sitting on the wall opposite of Desire and staring at her menacingly as it decided how to best eat her for breakfast. Okay, maybe it wasn’t but it was in my head.

I’m not kidding when I say this thing was huge. It measured easily over 2.5 inches of pure cockroach nastiness.

It watched the three of us were squealing, running around the apartment utterly grossed out, trying to rub down the stubborn goosebumps that sprouted all over our skin, hopping from one foot to the other trying to work up the courage to squash it, run all over the house trying to find an appropriately large and fearsome weapon to kill it with and frantically calling every man (man….boy….whatever) we know to come over and help us smash the bejeezus out of it. If I was that disgusting bug, I’d be laughing too. Hell, I’d be calling all my friends to come out and play so that we can REALLY give these 3 crazy girls a good scare. Good thing I’m not a cockroach. Ugh…gross…

Alas, there was to be no knight in shining Raid armor tonight for us. We were left on our own.

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