How To Kill A Mockingbird…I Mean, A Cockroach

Having lived in Hawaii for half my life, I’ve seen a lot of different ways to kill a cockroach.

With My *sort of* Bare Hands!!!

I’ve seen people scoop them up with nothing but a flimsy piece of tissue and squish it. I have a huge problem with that because a tissue is nothing but a very thin piece of paper. If I can blow my nose and still feel dampness so can you imagine what would happen if you were to squash a HUGE bug with one?!


That’s like cockroach guts and innards all dripping down into your hands through the nonexistent protection a piece of tissue was to offer.

If I was going to go this route, I’d much rather roll up either an entire day’s newspaper or a magazine. I’m partial to Cosmo myself. All those glossy ads sandwiched between those covers equals extra heft and oomph for a highly satisfactory thwacking.

Yeah…I’m not this sexy when I’m in berserker rage to kill bugs.


Granted, I’m nowhere near as sexy and graceful as Catherine Zeta-Jones going after her prey but that’s because my prey is a hideous bug and her’s wasn’t.

A really effective way to catch and kill cockroaches are with those house trap looking things. I remember these from when I was little. I remember the little anime looking cockroaches in various stages of death and dying with their last words written in hiragana or katakana Japanese. I thought it was hilarious but I would feel bad for the cockroaches that got stuck and died in there.

I’m sensitive.

Those were the kinds of cockroaches found in California. The ones out here in Hawaii? I dunno, man…either they’re smarter because I don’t catch as many or they’re on steroids because I’ve seen a stray antennae, a random amputated leg but no cockroach. Isn’t that crazy?!

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

My personal weapon of choice is bug spray. I still think Raid makes the best ones but what to do when you don’t have Raid on hand? That’s exactly the problem we faced the other night when we were staring at the Humangous Flying Roach From Hell.

We ruled out using a broom because what if that just tickled the freakish beast and then made it mad? It’d come flying straight towards us in fury. I’m not kidding. Those freakishly large flying ones know no fear. They fly AT you, not away from you.

We also ruled out crushing it with tissues because we’d die if we got it’s juices on our skin.

We ruled out rolled up newspapers, magazines and even Hawaii’s Thwacker Weapon of choice – the slippah. <- read : Slipper a.k.a. Flip Flops. That would leave a disgusting stain on the wall and a mutilated carcass that we'd still have to deal with.

It was about this time that I remembered something about household cleaners, specifically ammonia. I remember that ammonia could cause burns. PERFECT!

Sure, cockroaches are covered with a hard, chitinous exoskeleton but that doesn't mean they're impervious to assault of the non-crushing variety. I figured that there has to be points of entry somewhere along it's body, be it the eyes, mouth or joints.

I ran to the kitchen and found some glass cleaner proudly bearing the word "AMMONIA" like some kind of banner. Works for me!

I then commenced to spray the cockroach. It didn't like it at all. In fact, it started to freak out. I think it tried to fly but it couldn't. Oops.

Short version of the long and brutal story of the battle between girl and beast? We won.

It fell into the cup-shaped lamp Desire had in her room and I squirted enough ammonia laced glass cleaner into it to give it a nice little pool to burn in.

So now we had cockroach ammonia soup. None of us wanted to fish it out so we did the next best thing. The unplugged lamp was dragged out to the living room and we dumped everything out over our lanai.

Problem solved. We so rock.


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