My Mom Thinks I Need Help

My mom is hilarious. I think she temporarily gave up on getting me to give her a grand baby via the unconventional way. As in, she’s given up trying to talk me into being a single mother by storming and pillaging the sperm banks. Perhaps OctoMom kind of put things in perspective for her. God, I hope so. This is perhaps the only productive thing the OctoMom has done that I can think of. F’real….

So the whole grandbaby thing out of my womb is put on hold because she’s currently fixated on how to get me to land a husband. I told her the order goes like thus :

1. Meeting someone
2. Going on date(s) with said someone
3. DATING this person
4. Dating this person exclusively

…and then he pops the question and then we get married.

Then again, she was also the one who was half joking when she said she’d be okay with me as a single mother. Can you blame me for wanting to make sure she knows the right steps on how things go?

She’s tried everything. She wants to set me up with the sons of her friends…who happen to live in a whole ‘nother country. That’s right. You read it correctly.

C-O-U-N-T-R-Y.

Not “county”. Not “down the street”, “next door” or, hell, “a couple of states over”. She’s taking it to the level of Foreign Nations and stuff. Kind of makes the whole “dating” thing weird unless he wants to keep flying me out to see him or he wants to fly down here to see me.

I didn’t know why she suddenly stopped with the whole loving nagging thing…that is, until her plan was revealed to me.

It turns out there’s this temple in Taiwan that specializes in finding love for those who look for it. My mom has decided to enlist the powers of Heaven in helping me find a good man.

Yes, people. My mom has finally decided my ass needs all the help I can get because:

1. No earthly force is strong enough to sufficiently wear me down enough to succumb to any man besides the Sandman (and even he’s a bastard sometimes. Geez…)

2. I am beyond all human help. Only the gods and Divine intervention can save me now.

My mom goes to these monks and speaks with them in Japanese/Chinese. I don’t know if she explained my situation to those poor monks but if she did, I can imagine it sounding a little like this :

Si Fu, you don’t understand. My first born, my dragonfly of a daughter, is a sweet girl. She is so smart….she probably could’ve been a genius if I hadn’t dropped…never mind…

She always makes people laugh…especially me but I think I’m biased because I’m her mother.

She’s tall…actually, she’s freakishly tall…and I tell her to stop wearing such high heels because even though they make her beautiful legs (she gets them from me) look even lovelier, it also makes her a giant and all the other boys look too short next to her. Aiya, and she’s too stubborn to stop wearing them!

She says ‘It’s not my fault I’m tall. Milk did my body gooooood, Mommy! Thanks! Too bad they didn’t have you around to make them drink it the way you got me to drink it every day! …maybe that’s a good thing because if they did have you around to do that for them, then that means they’re my brother and I don’t swang that-a-way, Mommy. That’s just gross and sick and I don’t get down like that. So. Like I was saying. It’s not my fault I’m so much taller. Tee hee hee, I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!!!’

Si Fu…she’s a wonderful, lovely girl…but AIYA, SI FU!! SHE’S SOOOOO STUBBORN!!

There is no getting through to that girl! I tell her all the time she needs to find a nice man who will love her, cherish her and adore her so they can get married and start a family. But what do you think she says to me, Si Fu?

She tells me ‘Argh…Mommy, I will I will!! I’m just too busy right now! I’ll find him when the time is right or he’ll find me when the time’s right but since we haven’t found each other yet, OBVIOUSLY it’s not the right time! Right? Oh…heytimetogobacktoworkILOVEYOU,MOMMY,BYE!!’

That’s what she says to me, Si Fu. I keep telling her that she’s not a blushing blossom anymore but she won’t listen to me! I tell her that a woman after the age of 25 is like a flower that is starting to wilt. But she laughs at me!

At ME!!

HER MOTHER!!

And then you know what she say, Si Fu? She says to me ‘Mommy. Don’t you know that 30 is the new 20?’

Si Fu, she says that to me. I’m her mother. Mei Da, Mei Xiao!

[rough translation = “no differentiation between the larger and the smaller of the two. Essentially, it means I’m not recognizing the fact that she’s my elder thus worthy of respect. I think my Mommy feels like this sometimes because I’m always giggling and I run circles around her when we’re discussing this issue. She loves me. I can tell. Haa haa haa! πŸ˜€ Back to the story]

My daughter says that like it’s the best excuse ever and then she has the nerve to tell me (HER MOTHER), ‘Oh, hey look! I’m technically not 30 yet! I’m still good to go’….and then she laugh at me.

Si Fu….what am I to do? Can you not help me help her in her quest to find love? Sure, she might not TELL me she’s looking for love but I’m her mother. I know best. I don’t care what she THINKS she knows. I know. I’m her mother.”

I think Si Fu might’ve felt bad for my mother because I get the following package in the mail.


Yummy yummy!! SUGARSUGARSUGAR!
FOR ME! I can haz it!
MINE MINE MINE GIVE TO ME NOW OMG
I super ❀ the little pouch thingy.
I've no idea what it says.
Barney the Tapeworm super ❀ the sugary treats

Yup. I apparently need a combo of not 1. Not 2. Heck, not even 3. I need an arsenal of 4 different heavenly amulets and, literally, blessed sugary goodness.

The first object is like an amulet. I looked inside it and found a spool of red thread. I'll explain this next time.

The next 3 are cookies and candies. I'll tell the funny story about how my mom almost threw down AT THE TEMPLE for the pink cookie. It's the one second to the left. My mom's GANGSTA!! One is a Japanese milk candy. I LOVE THIS STUFF!! The next one is a strawberry candy. I love that one too!!

It should be no surprise that I ate them all. It was yummy. πŸ˜€

Let's see if all my mom's hard work pays off. ^___^

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