Side Effects Of Getting Sick.

I know my body well enough to know when it’s getting better. When my nose stops making bright green snot, I’m getting better. The next thing that happens is I start coughing out neon green chunkies from my lungs. Fantastic, I know. It feels even better. No, really. I totally enjoy the feeling like I’m hacking out one of my lungs in a spasmatic coughing fit. It’s awesome. You should try it.

So all this coughing, burning up, sneezing, trying to rid my body of anything remotely resembling sour apple gummies means I have no appetite to eat. I’m basically drinking my nutrition in forms of soups and rice porridge.

This has a very interesting effect. For starters, all this coughing means I’m using abdominal muscles I never thought I’d ever use again unless I made myself go to the gym. I’m getting a workout while expelling gooey wads of germs. w00t!

I’m also losing weight. I’m not sure what it is about being sick that kills my appetite to eat but it does. My current theory is that I can smell the germs residing in my nose. Does no one else know what I’m talking about? You know when you get so sick that you can actually SMELL it? Anyway, that might have something to do with me not wanting to eat since smell and taste are so intricately linked.

Combined with what I lost while on vacation, my clothes now hang off of me. That’s great, I’m all about not having excess body fat in weird places but the downside of it is that I keep tripping over pants.

This brings to mind a little variation of the song “The Ants Go Marching One By One”. You know it, right? So here’s my version :

My pants are falling off my ass
Hurrah, hurrah
My pants are falling off my ass
HURRAH!!! HURRAH!!!

That’s all I got so far. I so rock.

I should stress that this is not a good nor safe way to go on a diet. Don’t be like some of my girlfriends who joke around and tell me every time I’m sick to please sneeze on them because they have a wedding / class reunion / important function to go to and they want to lose some weight fast.

I do not recommend going up to every sick person you know and/or see on the street and ask them to cough in your face multiple times. I do not, repeat, DO NOT recommend this for several reasons :

1. You don’t know what they have.

Congratulations. Instead of catching the mild cold you THOUGHT they had, you just became the second person in the entire world to catch a new deviously mutant exotic strain of some crazy pneumonia where the only option to successfully treat is either to lobotomize your brain or amputate your leg.

Just kidding. I don’t think there’s any form of pneumonia like the one I just made up but hey, who knows and do you REALLY want to be the person to find out? Dun dun duuuun. I think not.

2. They might have transmissible diseases.

So say you caught the small cold you wanted. What if you didn’t know that they ALSO have tuberculosis? Hmmmm??? Talk about a Buy One, Get One Free deal.

Not happy. You don’t want to have TB. I’ve gone in to translate for people how have active TB and they’re basically stuck in an isolation room until their cultures come back negative. You might as well kiss that wedding / class reunion / special function bye bye while doing the accompanying NSync dance because you’re not going to the ball, princess.

If you don’t catch TB and you only manage to test positive for it, that’s still no picnic. You have to get yearly chest X-Rays to make sure you didn’t develop full blown TB and you’re now on a 6 month course of meds. These are hard on your liver. It isn’t recommended that you drink. You could be smart and say “well, I just won’t take these meds” but then you’d really be a public health menace to society. Remember how that movie ended? Mmm hmm. Not pretty.

Not to say that’s the ending you’ll face but why be a menace to society? Just take the damn meds for 6 months, protect yourself (and others while you’re at it) and then party after. God. What’s the big deal?

3. It might not work.

Congratulations. You got spit and snot in yo face….and nothing to show for it but a spit and snot bespeckled face. Awesome. I hope you’re happy.

This is not the way to do it. Diet and exercise, people. By “diet”, I’m not referring to the starvation ones, btw.

Now that my public announcement is out of the way, I’m going back to my couch. The last of Rurouni Kenshin is calling my name. God, I love anime. πŸ˜€

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