My Mom’s Kung Fu Fighting In A Buddhist Temple

Yeah….this is the song I have in mind whenever I think of this story about my mom. It’s fantastic. MY MOM WAS KUUUUNG FU FIIIGGGHHTTTING!!! HAAAH!! WU CHOP! Sort of.

So I wrote about how my mom thinks I need divine intervention in terms of relationship help. Well, now on to Part Two of the story.

Mommy is in Asia to rest and recuperate from her battle with cancer. What I didn’t expect was her to go off and seek divine intervention on my behalf. But then again, I don’t know why I didn’t see that coming. She is, after all, an Asian mom and I am her first born.

So she’s at this temple with one of her friends. They’ve known each other for a while….like…over 10 years. They’ve kept in touch all this time and have spent many enjoyable afternoons drinking tea and whatever else it is ladies their age do.

They decided to go to this temple because it specializes in love related matters. It also caters to the Japanese. The Japanese tourists who flock to that monastery are given special little packets. My mom is part Japanese so she got the little packets for me.

One of the treasures is this particular candy / cookie thing the monks bless because of what it says. The brand is called Jiovana and it’s this pink Madeleine cookie. What makes it so special is the fact that it’s colored pink.

You know.

White = Purity or “I Surrender”
Red = Love or Lust in the “Let’s Do The Horizontal Monkey Dance Now”
Pink = Romance but hopefully not of the Pepe Le Pew variety

Another reason why I think it’s so special is because of the words printed upon the wrapper. They read :

May the joy you share on your WEDDING DAY
Be the kind you’ll share all along life’s way

Pretty deep for a cookie wrapper, wouldn’t you say?

My mom’s friend thought so too. Then again, I don’t know if either the friend or my mom knows enough English to read all that and understand the meaning. I think they were just fixated on it because it’s the only pink thing the monastery offers.

My mom had spotted the cookie first and because she loves me so much, she reached for it. This is what she wishes for me and she hopes my ass will finally find or will finally find me. I super heart my mom. She super hearts me. Aaaw….warm and fuzzy feelings for all.

However, I’m thinking her thoughts are more in line with turning me into a factory that turns out grandchildren for her but that’s not the point of this particular story.

Her friend saw my mom obtain the treasure, PUTS HER HANDS ON MY MOM AND DEMANDS THAT MY MOM HAND OVER THE COOKIE!! WTF??!!!

Keep in mind that my mom has already closed her fingers around this treat. It’s in her hand.

Bitch was trying to pull my mom’s fingers apart!

When my mom told me someone had put her hands on her, I saw red and I was about to hop on the next flight over to Asia. NO ONE PUTS THEIR HANDS ON MY MOM!!!!

But no worries. My mom’s no pushover. She’s feisty! She tightens her kung-fu grip on the cookie as she demands an explanation from her friend.

From what I understand, the friend was screaming something about how I’m not even 30 yet (I wasn’t at the time of the Battle In The Buddhist Temple) but her older sister is already in her late 40’s, something about how the sister has never been married, desperately wants to be married, needs all the help she can get so my mom must hand over the cookie now.

The friend made the critical mistake of telling my mom to her face that I’m not important because I’m still young and I have plenty of time but the older sister’s clock of Tic’s and Toc’s is about to run out so that makes her a priority over me. Therefore, my mom should bow to the wisdom of whatever she’s spewing out and let her have the cookie.

My mom shoves her back and says in that voice that can make little kids pee in their pants “I don’t care if you’re my friend. If you know what’s good for you, you’re going to let go of my hand holding this cookie. In fact, you’re going to forget the cookie because, like En Vogue says, you’re never gonna get it, never gonna get it” and she did the sassy dance too.

Just kidding….although that would’ve been really funny if she actually did do that.

What she really said was :

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE MY FRIEND! I ALSO DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR SISTER! IT’S HER PROBLEM IF SHE’S NOT MARRIED, NOT MINE! I GOT THIS COOKIE FIRST SO BACK OFF!

IF YOU REALLY ARE MY FRIEND, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY DAUGHTER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE SHE’S HAD A BOYFRIEND?! HUUUUUHH??!! I’LL TELL YOU!!! TOO LONG! I WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR MY DAUGHTER AND SHE NEEDS ALL THE HELP SHE CAN GET BECAUSE SHE’S TOO STUBBORN TO LISTEN TO HER MOTHER!! I suggest you let me go. Now.”

In the end, my mom won because I got the care package in the mail. To my great surprise, the cookie made it through the entire battle intact and without even a crack in it. It’s a testament to both the manufacturer of the cookie and the happiness I’m going to enjoy that it remained unharmed.

But something bothers me about all this. My mother not only thinks I’ve run out of all human help and is now enlisting all the help of the Heavens to land me a man, but she’s willing to duke it out WITH her friend in a BUDDHIST TEMPLE of all places so that I can receive said help.

Talk about the power of a mother’s love. Dude, that’s a force you shouldn’t mess with. I was almost a little scared but I was laughing too hard to be properly frightened. It didn’t help when my mom was giggling along with me and asking me what I thought was so funny. I tried to tell her how I kept picturing her an as anime character beefing it out with her friend but I’m kind of glad I couldn’t get the words out.

I don’t think she would’ve been as amused as I was.

Oh, man. While I’m proud of my mom and I love her for wanting to help me (I totally pictured her walking off into the sunset with a samurai sword strapped to her waist), I’m just a little sad.

Is my mom right? Do I really need divine intervention in all matters related to the heart?

* insert emo.funkdafied music here *

Who knows? All I know is that no one should mess with my mom when she’s on a mission. πŸ˜€

Next time, I’ll tell you the story of how she’s gone hunting for a husband for me. I’m telling you. Woman’s on a mission, man…

By the way, the cookie was DELICIOUS because it’s flavored with success. I ate every crumb and I was very happy. πŸ˜€

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