Rules Of Dating

I picked this video because of the lyrics “I don’t want to be friends” and “caught in a bad romance”. Mmm hmmm. If someone not only has caught my eye but also managed to get a kung fu grip on my attention and daydreams, then I’m about as subtle as a mack truck/bull dozer barreling down on you. I know what I want when I want it and I want it now.

I have enough friends. Not that I’m not interested in making more because I’m always down to meet new people but if you are interested in me, you need to let me know. Otherwise, I’ll assume we’re friends which means you go into the always lovely “Friends Box”.

I’m like Rain Man in the sense that I can figure out immediately if someone is interested in someone else. It’s like…a weird gift, if you will, but that only applies to people besides myself. I have great insight and I’ve been told I give really good advice. It’s kind of weird hearing that because I’m chronically single. I refuse to be in a relationship just because people look at me weird when I eat alone, shop alone, etc etc. What they don’t know is that I LIKE eating alone, I LIKE shopping alone. I have no problems being by myself.

Anyway, I’m more or less clueless when it comes to all things romantic and the spotlight’s on me. I don’t assume every guy who talks to me is smitten and is envisioning a bright happy future where I am the missus because that’s just maniacally egotistical. What’s really going on in my head is that I honestly think he’s bored and is wondering why I’m laughing like a hyena.

This isn’t to say I didn’t date. I did…when I knew I was on a date. Half the time I couldn’t figure out if we were just hanging out or if the guy thought there was romance brewing in the air.

That brings me to the Rules Of Dating. This is the Bonnified Version.

First of all, rules are for the weak and for those who need a step-by-step manual. There’s no magical recipe on how to make a relationship work. And all those ridiculous bibles that preach how you can land any girl in your bed if you just follow X, Y and Z? I read some of them and laughed the whole way. Seriously. It’s funny shit.

What A Difference A Day Makes

One rule I’ll never understand is the 3 Day Rule. That’s the one where you’re not supposed to call her after finally getting the female to part with her digits until the magical 72 hours have passed. The theory behind this is that you don’t want to appear desperate.

Look. If you don’t know the difference between “desperation” and “showing interest in someone”, maybe you shouldn’t be playing this particular game. If you don’t call me within a day of getting me to give you my number, you’re assuming a few things :

1. I’ll remember who you are
2. I’ll remember who you REALLY are and not confuse you with someone else
3. I’m still interested

What is wrong with simply calling me? If you wait longer than a day, you’re really placing a lot of confidence in my short term memory and a lot of stock on your importance in my life after our initial encounter. You probably were memorable since I gave you my number but with every passing hour, that little light of yours is burning less and less bright until * oops * poof * it’s out.

Calling me to say “hi, how’s your day” is lovely. I know you’re thinking of me. Calling me every hour on the hour every single day to see what I’m doing is desperate and I will start thinking you’re missing a whole lotta marbles.

Float Like A Butterfly….The End

I don’t get the whole passive thing. Not that I’m advocating for all you guys out there to revert to Cavemen status and drag me around by my hair but it would help me out a LOT if you just got to the point. “Wanna f*ck” is not it…and I’ll address that another day.

Like I said earlier, I’m super clueless. I never assume. You more or less have to wear a clown suit with neon pink dots and fluorescent green stripe pants while dancing some crazy dance. That’ll get my attention and I’ll look because I hate clowns. You must also have a sign that says “Hey, Bonnie. I like you but not in the platonic way. I like you LIKE THAT. You know. Romance, cupid, roses and stuff.” Or something to that extent. I’ll read it because I read anything and everything with print on it. The sign is a must if you’re frolicking about in a clown suit because it’ll clue me in on not to hit the “Exterminate The Freaky Clown” button.

Then and only then will I finally get it. Case in point, my 3rd grade LoverBoy. If not, I’ll just assume we’re friends.

I’ve had issues with this before. I’ll be out with someone who I thought was just a friend only to have them hold my hand or try to kiss me and I’ll freak out. I. Do. Not. Like. Ninja-action! Just get to the point, man up and tell me!

Believe me. It works.

In Conclusion

The dating world has gotten super weird what with the advent of emails, text, FB, etc etc etc. My girlfriends and I have agreed upon one thing. It is so refreshing to meet a man who isn’t afraid to come up to a female, tell her he’s interested, ask her for her number, CALL HER the next day just to say “hi” and then ask her out on a date.

That is straight up hot.

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