You’ve Got To Be Kidding

It’s no surprise I’m apartment hunting and I’ve found a few places that I’m interested in. According to my friend, Not2Swift, I should look at places in Ktown because it’ll provide a never ending stream of ridiculousness to this blog. I had to inform him that while he is most likely correct, my liver is cursing him for reminding me of how insane life would be for me if I were to live in Ktown.

This translates to the following – I haven’t ruled it out completely.

However, in the name of my liver, I decided to broaden my horizons a bit. I found a most promising piece of property. It was too good to be true so I did the impossible. I put my paranoia to bed for the moment and messaged them via Craigslist.

Within a few hours, I received a response. For the sake of time management, I’ve summarized it as follows :

The owner of the place is a pastor. Her husband is a pastor also. She decided to move her family out to Africa where they are doing God’s work.

Hey. I’m down for that. I don’t care what religion you follow, lady. And isn’t it illegal to ask a tenant about their religious preference?

I’m thinking this is highly bizarre and unorthodox but I’ll bite. Johnny B. Truant and I similar run ins with con artists. I thought this was particularly sad since they factored in the whole religion aspect.

That’s playing dirty. Little do they know, they’re playing with a happy heathen.

Dude. Just gimme your friggin apartment. Thank you.

They’re not in it for the money. They just want someone to watch over their tiny cottage in the middle of AssCrack, Cali while they’re away doing God’s work

Uh huh. I get it, lady. Just give to me your friggin’ condo. Thank you. I promise it’ll still be standing when you get back. I’ll even try really hard to make sure all the walls are still there and the roof is still in one piece.

* just kidding. I”m really actually very chill. That means her house will still be in one piece and I’ll give it back the way I got it. *

She doesn’t want to use a rental agent because she’s not interested in turning a profit on the house.

I get it. woman. I get it. You’re saving the world. I’m saving myself. I get it.

But what is this? My spidey senses have been ringing off the hook.

The keys to the house are with her in Africa. Because, you know, they have to protect the house from undesirables and blah blah blah.

What? Are you friggin serious? Dude, I no spring chicken and for damn sure, I know I wasn’t born yesterday. I also didn’t fall off the turnip truck. I tumbled off the dim sum cart / sushi belt. Get it right, woman.

Please give me all your information (like address, phone number, occupation, date of birth, full name, where you work, the soul of your first born child and I will look forward to screwing you up the ass. Thank you. I also praise God that I found a potential sucker to rent this absurdly cheap property in the middle of mafia territory.

I looked really carefully at the email this person sent me. It’s full of horrific spelling errors. It’s also brimming with grammar issues.

I’m no Webster dictionary. I also have crappy grammar. Therefore, it’s a testament at how badly you epically fail if you make me look good.

That was the first big no-no. Make me think you’re smart and I’ll give you credit for that. Give me any inkling you’re a moron and I’ll think you’re a moron from that point on.

This particular poster gave me that impression. Not good for them.

Number Two on my list of Fail was the pictures they posted. I’ll give them credit for using the same ones. Unfortunately, they gave out the address. I copied and pasted into Google maps so that I could hopefully see a few more details I was curious about. God bless the Intardnet….I mean, Interwebs.

Thanks to my hefty serving of “I Don’t Believe A Damn Thing You Say”, I was able to see that the view from the windows of the property did not match up with what Google maps showed me. I can’t understand if maybe the rooftops aren’t in sync and whatever, but it’s hard to hide a tall building from Google Maps.

There are no buildings of that size by this address. Uh oh…

The third one came in the forms of :

– they’re out of the country
– the keys to the house is with them which means no one can show me the property but I’m somehow guessing I’m supposed to give them my non-refundable deposit first.

Hm. Let me think about that.

How about “No f*ckng way, you psycho”. I might be new to the inner workings of Craigslist but I know a scam when I smell it.

Shame on them for using God and doing works in the name of religion to fleece other humans of their money. Seriously.

5 Responses to “You’ve Got To Be Kidding”
  1. Zontiago says:

    Good thing you’re such a smart cookie. CL is still good. Found 2 apts in NYC that way, so keep trying! Something perfect will come up. 🙂 You can do it! 😀

    • Miss Bonnified says:

      Thanks!! 😀

      I can dooo eeet! Ahaahahaha!! …okay, yeah, I’m not finishing the rest of that line from “Waterboy”. x)

  2. Zontiago says:

    Lol I love that movie…

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