Saving Lives Is Dirty Work

I’m not kidding. This song, “Staying Alive”, by the Bee Gees really does keep people alive. I like this song. Don’t ask me why.

I’m going to tell you what happened yesterday and you tell me what you think is going on.

Some say signs that show you’re doing it right are cracked ribs and bruised chests.

The key is doing it harder, faster and deeper! Remember! Harder! Faster!! DEEPER!!!


Those dinky fast little thrusts won’t get you the results you need. No dinky fast thrusts! No rabbit action!

More lube! More lube! Remember. You want to gliiiiiide it in…but sometimes, for lack of a better word, you just have to shove it in but be gentle!

Visualize sliding it down the tunnel!

Apply more pressure!

Using backwards upwards rightward pressure can help with your success!

Watch out for the teeth. You don’t want to knock out the teeth.

Believe it or not, this was AAAAAALL part of class. No, it was not Sex Ed…although I swore if I closed my eyes, I was in the middle of a pr0n set.

What makes it even funnier is that the song you want to keep in mind while doing successful CPR is “Staying Alive”. It has 103 beats per minute which also happens to be what you’re aiming for when you’re doing compressions during

I’ll actually be singing this song either in my head or muttered under my breath as I’m whaling on some guy’s chest during CPR. The irony does not escape me.

I’m in a specialized field which means I have to get recertified in the following every two years:

– ACLS (Advanced Cardiac Life Support)
– PALS (Pediatric Advanced Life Support)
– BLS (Basic Life Support aka CPR)

I’m usually dying in these classes because the guidelines haven’t changed that much since I became a nurse but this year was different. I think it’s because CookiePants went to class with me. We spent most of the class giggling like the dorks we are and trying not to laugh inappropriately when we heard all the “faster deeper harder” stuff.

We’re very mature. We were also whispering “That’s what she sed! That’s what he sed! Ahahahahaha!”

Yes. We’re very very very mature. We also save lives! w00t!!!

I think everyone should be at least BLS certified. I mean, you never know when someone needs help and you could be saving their life!! And just think about what a great story it’ll be when you’re trying to impress that certain special someone.

“Hey, baby. See this card? Yeah, girl. I’m certified to save lives and right now, I’m thinking of saving yours”.

…..okay, wow….that was horrifically bad. Coming up with those stupid pick up lines is hard!! Damn!!! I actually feel sorry for you guys now! Jeezus…

Or how about you just whip it out (the BLS card. Whoa there, big boy. Relax) and say “Me. You. Mouth to mouth. Now. I’m a traaaained professional, baby”.

Haa haa haa!!!! OMFG, I’d so die laughing if that ever happens….I’m soooo going to do this to Clyde when he comes back from his business trip. 😀

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