So Grossed Out

Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Omg, this song brings back some memories….like when this song used to traumatize me when I was 10 and I’d turn beet red whenever it came out on the radio. My mom would always switch to another radio station whenever this song came on. OoooOOOOoohhh….how things have changed….

I think my mom’s probably the most progressive woman not only of her generation but of all Asian women her generation. She’s so chill about everything….except when she’s blowing up my phone after midnight because she wants to know where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with and what time I’m coming home. I’m always like “Aaargghh!! Mommy!! I’m 30! Relax!!” This happens every time she’s in LA or I’m in Hawaii or wherever it is she happens to be at. Jeezus….

Anyway. Back to why I’m grossed out. My sister, MiniMe, and I just finished an epic 2 hour conversation about why we love our mom but why sometimes she makes us want to throw up. So my mom knows I have a new boyfriend. She doesn’t say it but I know she’s waiting for me to introduce him to her. I know this because she goes “So when are you going to bring Clyde by the house so that I can meet him?”

Subtlety is something she doesn’t possess when it comes to her children.

I didn’t have a boyfriend from August 2006 till January 17th, 2010. That’s a long ass time. I wasn’t dating anyone or seeing anyone. I relished being alone. My mom was concerned but for the weirdest reason. The conversation is as follows :

Mom : Hey…are you working out?

Me : No. I’m too tired to go to the gym after work and on my precious days off, I just want to sleep. Why? Are you saying I’m getting fat?!

Mom : No no no…I just don’t think a young, healthy young woman like yourself should live the life you do.

Me : …..I don’t get it….what am I doing wrong? Is this because I don’t work out like a fiend anymore?

Mom : No no no….you’re not dating anyone are you?

Me : Nope…thank God…that’s just too much drama and it requires too much thinking. I shouldn’t have to think so hard about something that I don’t want right now anyway. What’s wrong with me being single? Are you getting ready to give me one of your “Give To Me Some Grandbabies Now” talks? Because if you are, I’m about to suddenly remember I have to do something super important…

Mom : Like what?

Me : I dunno….I’ll think of something….okay, but seriously. What are you trying to get at? Just tell me because I suck at guessing games.

Mom : Well….I think it’s only natural for you to find a “friend”.

Me : I’ve got plenty of….friends….hey, wait. What do you mean by “friend” exactly?

Mom : You know. Aiya, don’t make me explain what a “friend” is. You should know. You’re young, you’re healthy, you’re an attractive girl…and it’s a great way to lose weight.

Me : AAAAAGGGHHH!!!! OMFG!!! WTF DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT STUFF FROM YOU!!! AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SEX ANYWAY???!! YOU AND DADDY HAD ME BECAUSE YOU HELD HANDS AND THEN THE STORK CAME!! AND I DON’T WANT THAT KIND OF A FRIEND!!!

By this point, my mom thinks it’s hilarious that I’m gagging and trying not to spew my lunch all over the walls. She’s chasing me around the house as I’m desperately trying to find something to throw up into and she’s calling out after me “It’s natural! You’ll lose a lot of weight too! How do you think I got so skinny again after I had you?”

There are just some things you should never have to talk to your parents about once you hit a certain age. I’m all for having safe sex conversations with your children well before their hormones kick in and they start wanting to screw anything and everything that walks by. But I’m well beyond that age. I’ve gone back to thinking my parents had us via immaculate conception.

You can imagine my mom’s face when I walked in with a HUUUGE bag from Victoria’s Secret. I dropped $500 on a bunch of pretty things and my mom just gave me that grin. She has never reminded me more of the proverbial cat who ate the canary bird.

Good God….ugh….and now she’ll always ask me “Soooo…..did you have a good time with Clyde?”

I don’t know how to answer that because I don’t know what she’s getting at.

My mom’s finally figured out my kryptonite when it comes to her. All she needs to do to set me straight or make me toss my cookies is to start talking to me about sex. Ugh. *barf*

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