You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

The first half of this video kind of reminds me of Tupac’s “I Get Around”. Does no one else think so? I have to say, I like Tupac’s video much better.

Anyway, this post is titled “You can teach an old dog new tricks” because I’m contradicting the popular saying. In this case, the “old dog” is me. Seeing as how I’m female, this does not mean you can start referring to me as a bitch….but sometimes I wonder why people think it’s such an insult. Maybe they haven’t heard the “Sexy Bitch” song yet (I hate that song, btw) because, you know, she’s nothing like your neighborhood whore. This begs the following questions/observations :

1. Your neighborhood has whores? Hey, I ain’t judging. Everyone’s gotta make a living somehow and something about supply and demand. That’s all I’m saying.

2. You appear to be very well acquainted with them if you’re able to define a noticeable distinction between the SexyBitch and the NeighborhoodWhore.

When I was a super cocky 20.something year old, I used to say “You call me a bitch like it was a bad thing”. Jeezus…

What was the point of all this? Oh yeah. So being in a relationship is scary for me. I haven’t been in one in forever. This means the following list held true up until January 17th, 2010 :

– I went wherever I want.

– I did whatever I want for whatever reason I wanted whenever I wanted wherever I wanted and however I wanted.

– I didn’t have to factor anyone’s feelings into anything I decided to do. However, this did not mean I gleefully stomped and crushed people’s feelings like insignificant bugs. Karma’s a beeyotch and I’m generally not mean like that. 0=)

– Everything was about me, 24/7, all day every day. The channel never changed from BonnieVision.

I was single for 4 years. After breaking up with the ex, I was shaky. I hadn’t been single for longer than 2 months since I was a sophomore in high school. Despite going through Significant Other withdrawals, I knew I had to go through a period of being single. It was hard at first, I won’t lie. But you know what’s weird? It got easier and Easier and EASIER! It got to the point where I couldn’t remember why I ever wanted a boyfriend. I loved being single!! It was great!

But now things are different.

There’s this wonderful man who’s brave enough to be my man. I’ve named him Clyde to protect his identity. He’s secretly Superman but he doesn’t like changing in public telephone booths. …at least, I don’t think he does. I’ve never actually asked. I suspect this might be because there aren’t many left so he hasn’t really had a chance to practice.

He even has Kryptonite! Unfortunately for him, he has revealed most of them to me and whaddya know…I embody a lot of them. It’s great abusing his known weaknesses. It’s freaking awesome, actually. …I think he let these little nuggets of blackmail gold slip “accidentally” because I’m pretty sure he knows I would use all weapons of mass destruction on him every chance I got.

He’s smart. Winner winner chicken dinner no matter which way you cut it.

So back to the original point. Relationships aren’t easy and that’s especially true for me. The longest one I’ve ever had was almost 4 years but that was in high school. Post high school, I think the longest one was 18 months. I spent the last 6 months of my past relationships trying everything under the sun to make things work. This way, I knew I could walk away in peace knowing I had done everything remotely humanly possible to salvage whatever was left.

I drew the line at therapy and counseling because we weren’t married. All discussion of getting married were immediately squashed because even my relationship challenged ass recognized that as a Hail Mary ploy to lock me down. Hell no, I won’t go!!!

I’m not one for casual encounters, casual sex, casual relationships…casual anything unless you’re talking about clothing. I’m all about being casual and comfortable up until I get ready for a night out. Then I go by a different set of codes, rules and regulations. It’s so much fun.

Anyway, so I’m in a relationship now that I never saw coming. If you had told me back when I was on my killer Epic Month Long Vacation / Birthday Debauchery (that was last November) that I would have a new apartment AND a new man in my life, I would’ve seriously laughed in your face, apologized for spewing perfectly fine scotch all over you and then I would’ve told you to stop smoking whatever it is you’re inhaling because it’s making you delusional.

So here’s the thing. I know where my shortcomings are. GI Joe said “Knowing is half the battle” and I’ve decided that the other half is doing something about it. And that’s what I’m gonna do.

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