My Neighbors Are A Lovely Bunch Of CocoNUTS

* All2Swift, this post is for you since you appear to live for my E.T.-phone-blog posts. πŸ˜€ *
* sadly, the Blackberry didn’t feel like delivering this one. *

I’ve been living in Ktown for a short while and I’ve come to the following conclusions – my neighbors are beyond strange.

Stomp To My Beat

Remember this song? You know….from Dance Dance Retardation Revolution? I really like that song. When I was training for the bikini competiton, I used to blast this song when I was stomping and running on the treadmill/elliptical machines like a rabid hamster.

I’m beginning to think that’s what my neighbors upstairs are doing. I’ve decided to call them Elephant Herd.

They are the sole reason I will now and forever think twice about living anywhere except the top floor. I will reconsider this if I am able to determine the walls are thick enough to muffle any and all sounds.

I can’t figure out what they’re doing up there at all hours of the day. I hear strange thumpings and bumpings and stupendous crashings day and night. I’m beginning to wonder if they :

– wear wooden clogs all day
– love rearranging heavy furniture during normal sleeping hours
– are completely unaware that I can HEAR THEM PERFECTLY when they decide to vacuum at the unholy hour of 2 a.m.
– are moving a dead body around hence the oddly meaty thumps I hear

Thumper Lives Next Door

Little does anyone know that Thumper, Bambi’s little furry bunny friend, hangs out with Woody Woodpecker.

These are the neighbors who live directly next to me. My bedroom wall apparently is right up against where they put their TV.

I know this because I can hear them blasting the set for hours at a time. If I could speak and understand Korean, I could sit there and know exactly what they’re watching because it is that loud. I suppose I should be thankful they don’t stay up all night watching porn. Maybe they are. I dunno. Everything’s in Korean and sometimes I can hear weird grunting. Wow…I wonder if they are watching porn now. Hm….

That would get annoying and embarassing real fast if they were because I’m convinced their TV set is THISCLOSE to my head when I’m sleeping. Ugh…wow, I feel kinda dirty now.

They also like to pound on the walls a lot with hammers and power tools. That’s a fantastic thing to listen to when I’m trying to sleep at night or when I’m trying to sleep in.

So fail.

I’ve Been A Bad Girl

The newest addition to the peanut gallery? A lady across the way who I decided to call DomiNAYtrix.

Hm…I have shoes that look like that. And why is she wearing mint green examination gloves? Why is there a syringe in her hand? Looks like someone’s been REALLY bad cause the naughty monkey’s getting a shot and not of the Grey Goose variety. ….and does no one else think the clear stuff strapping him down looks like IV tubing? I dunno what kind of dominatrix this is (I Googled “dominatrix” for a picture and this was the most interesting one I found in 5 seconds. I’m lazy. πŸ˜€ ) but it looks more like a Naughty Nurse fantasy gone totally wrong.

Did I mention she lives across the courtyard from me? I’m beginning to think my building’s designed to amplify sound soley for my amusement to drive me nuttier than a squirrel in a peanut butter factory.

The reason for this nickname? I heard her scream “BAD!! YOU’VE BEEN VERY BAD!!!” followed by a crashing sound that shakes my living room wall.

Just kidding. It wasn’t that bad but it was pretty bad. So here’s what I’m thinking :

1. Some kid just got the ass whupping of his LIFE! Whoooaaaa, Nelly. My backside hurt for that person if indeed a buttock kicking was administered.

2. My neighbor’s a dominatrix and it was a spanking/paddling gone awry. …or maybe she just put too much back into it. I dunno.

Oh, Me So Hoooorny!

The cherry on top of this epic sundae are….* drumroll please *….

The pigeons.

That’s right. Mother-effing pigeons.

I think they’re super horny. Why, you ask? Simple. I can hear their mating calls from the ass crack of dawn till I pass out at night.

* Coo * Coo * Come get some hot pigeon looovin * Coo * Coo * You know you want me, baaaaybeee * Coo * Coo *

One of my FB friends helpfully hinted that Spring is in the air which apparently makes for fiery loins in birds. He then suggested I find these birds some pigeon hookers.

Dude, I would except I don’t know where pigeon hookers flock, I wouldn’t know how to approach them (seriously….) And what would they accept as payment? Bread crumbs? Dude, I’ll drown them in it if I have to.

Then again…I don’t want my courtyard to be known as the feathered version of a brothel.

No, thanks. I’ve already got weird neighbors.

* sigh *

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