What Not To Do At A Wedding

Spring is in the air and for someone my age, that means a few things.

1. My friends are popping out babies like popcorn.
2. People I know are getting married so that they can start popping out babies like popcorn.
3. People my friends know are getting married so that they can start popping out babies like popcorn.

I think this is the first year in which no one I know is getting married. Last year saw quite a few…the year before that saw me at even more….and the year I graduated from nursing school saw me flying back and forth across the Pacific to attend a gazillion.

Know what I always hated? I hated the part where all the single girls are herded like friggin’ cattle in the middle of the venue to be gawked at. It makes me feel like we’re in some kind of weird gladiator game. I always wished for shields, battle axes and short swords or something that Xena, Warrior Princess, would wear.


Like this! We should totally be wearing this during the Flight Of The Bouquet.
I’m not kiddng. I’m totally serious. That would be so awesome…

Why?

Because we’re supposed to catch the friggin bouquet the bride throws. You don’t understand. Females are jostling each other for the best position (as if they know where that thing is supposed to land anyway) all the while screeching like harpies.

Me? I can usually be found waaaaay in the back of the herd where my stiletto wearing ass won’t be trampled. For some reason, the bouquet usually falls at my feet. That’s right. At my feet. As in, I didn’t want to catch it because I had some irrational fear that catching the bouquet would be like catching a disease in which I’d be married in a year. I do have to say that I actually caught one because she’s a dear friend. It was at CatChan’s wedding. That long gorgeous pearl pin pricked my finger and made me bleed. Aaah….love is pain…f*cking pin…. x) Later on, she told me she was hurling that bad boy straight at me. I love her too.

This year, I won’t be rounded up like a cow! I’m technically not single since I’m with Clyde. Boo ya for technicalities! The only way they can make me get up there is if they say “UNMARRIED ladies” but that would be so awkward. w00t!!

As for the all the single fellas during the garter toss? I guess they’re like bulls being herded for the slaughter too. Okay, I don’t feel so bad now…


I think the boys should be made to dress up like this during Garter Toss.
I’d die laughing….hmmmmmm…..

So here’s the clip that started this whole train of thought about weddings and stuff :

Is it bad that I wanted to see what happened to that crazy lady in the red? πŸ˜€ Talk about Epic Fail in ways too numerous to to list.

:: Notes To Self When/If I Ever Get Married ::

Do not have anything remotely resembling a pole at wedding.

Do not have tents in wedding. This goes hand in hand with the point directly above because I cut down the possibilities of the existence of any poles.

Enforce previous training as bartender to cut off anyone who is more drunktarded than me. This will be in their best interest as I will not be afraid to use any videotape evidence against them as blackmail material. So, as you can see, I am really looking out for THEM as well as ensuring I will not have to turn all Bridezilla and unleash HulkBonnie rage on anyone. πŸ˜€

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Comments
4 Responses to “What Not To Do At A Wedding”
  1. j3ntan says:

    hahahhahaha LOL bonnie, that was TOO hilarious!!!!
    wow she had some moves on her, eh??

    • Miss Bonnified says:

      she sure did! you could say her moves brought the house down and be more or less accurate. πŸ˜€

  2. MM says:

    I think this was on YBMW, the video is a viral video for samsung or something.

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