Alcoholic Patients Do And Say The Weirdest Things

I got floated to the Medical ICU the other day. I don’t like going there because it’s just so damn depressing. A lot of the patients there just remind me of people waiting to die. Sad.

And then there are the crazy ones. My personal favorite of all the nutsos have got to be the ETOH patients aka ALCOHOLICS. They go into crazy withdrawals and then it’s like all kinds of hell breaks loose on a hospital bed.

For example :

– ETOH patients always tend to have massive rivers of liquid diarrhea. This is a problem so we shove rectal tubes up their butts to make sure they don’t sit in their s**t (literally) because they could cause some serious damage to their skin in addition to smelling super gross. * gag *

– They are all artistic souls. I’ve had so many of these kinds of patients who will literally shove their hands into their poop and decide to go body painting with their poopie. They eventually run out of skin to paint so they’ll start decorating the rails of their bed with abstract squiggles and, if they’re REALLY in the mood to do some interior decorating, they’ll try to fling some at the walls. These were the days when I really wished for some Hazmat gear.

I like this very much but not in white because I can guarentee if I need to Hazmat myself before going in to a patient room, that outfit is not gonna stay white for very long.

Hm….yeah….Supersonic Solar Yellow is not my color. Pass.

OOOH, HEEELL YES!!! This is the one we need!
I can be all Rambo / G.I. Joe on your ass, beeeoootttcchhh!!!
In addition, it’s functional because bodily bits and and pieces will just kind of blend in with the pattern.
Fashionable AND functional. Niiiiice.

– They are Houdini. Restraints are powerless against their ingenuity because they have all the time in the world to put their last remaining non-drunk brain cells to work and figure out a way to get out. Most of them seem to think diarrhea is a good lubricant.

The last one I had was funny. I don’t think he was in withdrawal any more because he didn’t exhibit any of the signs. I think he was just weird. Anyway, I hear him screaming so I run in the room thinking something’s horribly wrong.

Before I could ask him what’s wrong, he starts bellowing “I GOTTA TAKE A SH*T!!!” and I see he’s got his rectal tube clenched in his fist. I very calmly tell him to stop pulling what’s in his hand because that’s what draining his black, liquid diarrhea. Therefore, he is going poop.

He keeps pulling and screaming.

I then tell him that there’s a balloon inflated with at least 35 cc of sterile water at the end of that tube that’s going up his butt and the more he pulls, the more it’s gonna hurt. I also warned him that if he continues to keep pulling that tube, he can possibly quite literally rip himself a new asshole so I suggested he stop.

He did. Smart boy.

So what’s the lesson here, boys and girls? Enjoy your liquor but in moderation. Liver failure is no bueno nor is it fun, exciting and/or sexy. Noooope…..

One Response to “Alcoholic Patients Do And Say The Weirdest Things”
  1. lily says:

    have you watched hot tub time machine?? there’s a scene in there that you may appreciate after the “last one”!

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