Adventures In The Kitchen : Baking Fail

I can cook. I can’t bake. This strange conundrum makes me sad because I like cookies, I LOVE brownies and I would love to make cakes at home. This is great and all but I have no idea how to bake. The concept of sticking something in the oven frightens me.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

Once upon a few days ago, I was a sophomore in high school. I was dating HeWhoShallNotBeNamed (he hates my living guts. It’s been….wow….almost 15 years. Too bad because I’d like to be his friend. I don’t think he feels the same. Oh well) and really wanted to make him some cookies. I settled on a Snickerdoodle recipe because it looked the easiest.

My cookies came out nowhere near close to this baked perfection.
* emo tear rolls down my cheek *

Everything went fine until I saw the words “softened butter”. I looked at the rock hard stick of butter on my counter and wondered how the hell I’m supposed to soften it. That’s when the light bulb went off in my head and I stuck it in the microwave.

It melted. Whatever. I figured butter is butter. So what if it’s melted and not softened?

I dumped it in my batter, mixed that baby around, dropped spoonfuls of it evenly spaced apart on my baking sheet and slid the whole shebang in my preheated oven.

Fast forward some minutes and it was done! I was so excited to take it out of the oven but my excitement quickly turned into confusion and promptly settled into epic sadness.

My cookies weren’t cookie shaped. I ended up making a Snickerdoodle cookie sheet.


It was still pretty tasty even though it was oddly gooey and no where near cookie shaped. After that, I neve tried to bake again besides the occasional batch of brownies for my brother. Even I couldn’t mess up a mix from a box.

Learn to read I must.
Follow directions I should.

So here’s what I learned today :

– I shouldn’t sub in Smart Balance butter flavored spread for butter. If I do, I should follow the following point.

– I shouldn’t microwave Smart Balance butter flavored spread in the microwave to make it melt faster. I should just heat it up on the stove top and not be a lazy bitch.

– That sh*t exploded in my microwave. I learned I don’t like to clean dripping buttery liquid out of my microwave.

– I should learn to read directions and add things when they’re supposed to be added instead of dumping everything in the bowl in whatever order I want.

– Truvia does not measure out. It’s 3/4 a teaspoon to 2 teaspoons of sugar. Luckily, I can do simple math.

– I like measuring things in medicine cups. I don’t know why. I don’t like those little bitty spoons most normal people use to measure stuff. Maybe it’s because I’m a nurse. That might be it but I’m starting to think it’s because I’m just weird.

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