Airports Are The Modern Purgatory

So I’m at LAX going to a super secret destination and I realized something.

People do not know how to travel for beans.

I used to travel at least once a month (sometimes two or three times a month) and I used to feel like I lived at the airports. My mileage program went from Newbie to Platinum in less than a year. That was pretty crazy.

So what does that mean? It means I learned how to travel efficiently.

If I bring a carry on bag, I don’t cram in a shitload of makeup. I pack the necessities and they go in a big baggie. ONLY THE NECESSITIES! Learn to work magic with the basics. You can always go to CVS or some other drug store to buy a Hail Mary eye shadow if you absolutely need it.

If I have a jacket/coat, I take that bad boy off while I wait in the line that moves slower than your grandma because of retards who don’t know what they’re doing.

I avoid belts when traveling. I’m a big fan of those velour track suits because they’re convenient AND comfy. I don’t care if I look like I’m circa year 2000. I’m not the one holding up the line.

I can also get away with airport friendly shoes (known as slippers…or for you mainland people, “flip flops”) because I’m dressed like a couch potato with the word “Juicy” spelled out in bling on my ass.

In the event where I have to travel somewhere cold and can’t get away w/ wearing resort wear, I make sure to wear shoes that are easy to remove. This means my sexy, crazy studded, buckled and zippered stiletto heels designed by some S&M mistress stays in my luggage.

If I wear boots, they are the ones I can slip off. They do not require pliers so that I can wrestle zippers with nor do they feature a gazillion buttons. God forbid the temperamental zippers your zippered-all-the-way over-the-knee haute couture alligator boots suddenly decides to impersonate the critter they’re sewed on and decides to eat the lining of your shoe. This is also known as “stuck zipper”. Not fun when you’re wasting away in the security line w/ all eyes on you. Tsk tsk.

Again. This is not the time to showcase awesome designer footwear, ladies.

Fellas, I don’t know what to say because I’m not a guy. Clyde knows better than me because he used to be the George Clooney dude in “Up In The Air”. I guess don’t forget to empty out your pockets? I dunno.

I’m not annoyed by people who don’t know how to travel…noooo….not me. Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

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