Follow The Rules Of Kindergarten And No One Gets Hurt

My current chiropractor likes to ask me how the wedding planning is going. He’s married himself and likes to tell me about his wife. The man is head over heels and that warms my heart. As he’s cracking my back and popping my bones back into place this morning, he asks me the question it seems like everyone and their mother is asking me after they satisfy themselves with how well wedding planning is going :

So…are you going to let your fiance have a bachelor party?

Without skipping a beat, I said “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Maybe it’s because I looked like a schoolgirl this morning. Notice how I did not say NAUGHTY Asian schoolgirl. I was wearing Clyde’s Cal hoodie, jeans and a beat up pair of Adidas. I also had no makeup on. Dude, it was 8 in the morning. I haven’t had coffee. I don’t fucking care how I look at this moment in time.

Maybe it’s because of my answer and/or how fast I answered him. I have no idea what it was because the next thing he asked me was “Bonnie….do you know what happens during a bachelor party…?”.

Buddy. Oh, buddy buddy buddy. I pat his hand (somehow, I felt like I had to comfort him) and said “Of course I do.”

He seems confused because all is quiet except for the sound of my bones cracking. He asks me how it is that I’m so okay with it all. It’s actually pretty simple, I said, and it all goes back to what you learned in kindergarten.

Bonnie’s Rules Of Kindergarten / Going To Strip Bars / Male Review Shows / Life In General

– Keep your hands to yourself.
– Keep your mouth shut and don't stick out your tongue.
– Keep what's in your pants IN YOUR PANTS.
– Keep your zipper zipped at all times.
– If someone tries to touch you in your private places, you say "NO" and get away from them.

So simple. If I was teaching kindergarten, I would like to add "If they continue to try to touch you, you kick them between the legs, slam their ribs with your elbow and shove the heel of your hand up their nose in a sharp, upward movement." That's what my mom taught me when I was little and I've never forgotten. 🙂 Maybe this is why I'm not a kindergarten teacher….hm…

Chris Rock says there’s no sex going on in the champagne room.
Haa haa haa, that’s funny.

So back to why I don’t see why Clyde shouldn’t have a bachelor party. Simply put, I trust Clyde. If I didn’t trust him, I would’ve been out of this relationship faster than you can say “Wait”. I would’ve put my killer shoes on like I did all the other times and let you watch my ass sashay its way out of your life. It’s not that hard at all to do.

So, yes. I know *exactly* what goes down in a bachelor party / champagne room / whatever. It’s no secret to me. It also doesn’t bother me when he goes to his party. It’s because I know he’s no stray dog and I know he wouldn’t do anything to disrespect me, hurt me or make me mad. I know that, for him and his friends, they’re just out to have a good time and to celebrate commiserate escort him into the land of the Married Pod People with his last huge hedonistic party as a single, unmarried man. I’ve had some people tell me “You’re just flirting with disaster if you let him go. How do you know he won’t have a slip in judgement and accidentally have sex with one of the strippers”

* sigh * Really? That’s your reasoning for trying to talk me out of letting him have one?

Look. There’s no such thing as “accidentally” having sex with someone. Temptation exists everywhere, not just in strip bars. He met me online, for Chrissake. What would you have me do? Lock him up in a panic room for the rest of his life? Not happening. It all comes back again to trust. One night in a strip bar isn’t enough for me to kick him out of my life.

Clyde going out with his friends for THEIR bachelor party also isn’t going to see me heading out to the nearest gun store to buy razor wire, a silencer and 9mm. MULTIPLE NIGHTS in a week over many weeks is cause to raise hell. But one night? No.

Besides, don’t people know it’s the women who are the craziest? Silly boys. Just sayin’.

2 Responses to “Follow The Rules Of Kindergarten And No One Gets Hurt”
  1. Emjay says:

    You forgot number 6. Face should be nowhere near anything but a plate of food. And no. Boobies stopped being food after the age of 3.

    • Miss Bonnified says:


      Oh God…yes. Yes, you’re right. How silly of me to have overlooked the almighty Rule Number 6. Good lookin’ out. 😀

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